Art isn’t just pretty pictures, its facing the inner critic

It's been a while since I’ve updated the blog, and it’s funny how the busier I’ve become these past few months the louder the inner critic and imposter syndrome becomes. You know the voice: “It’s going to go quiet again. They’ll realise you can’t paint. Your style isn’t any good. You’re just a messy, chaotic artist, not a skilled one. They won’t like the colours or the haphazard nature.” *

*I like to paint both energetic cause its fun and meditative because it feels awesome to create something beautiful, both are beautiful and valid styles.

And yet, in spite of that internal chatter, I’ve completed some significant projects lately. I just finished a special and challenging family portrait as a memorial for someone who is no longer around to see the finished painting.

I also created a large landscape of the suspension bridge view from the gorge (took my own photo for reference) for an engineering company, which was an entirely different kind of challenge. And through it all, the voice in my head kept saying, “You can’t do this. This isn’t how you or they envisioned it.” Right now, I’m waiting to arrange a viewing. The company has seen the photo, and I’m anxiously hoping that no feedback yet is positive. I already expect there’ll be changes—there are always changes.

But that internal struggle doesn’t stop with technical worries. My thoughts get louder around the question of whether people will connect with my work (again). Will my art find its way into the right hands? If my work becomes more widely recognised and collected, will I just end up just producing more to meet the demand, and still have paintings waiting for their forever homes, becoming even more buried in canvases and destined to live in artistic clutter?

I used to imagine the life of an artist would be romantic—sipping coffee in a café while sketching ideas, returning home to paint, lost in a beautiful creative flow. The reality? It's more often swearing at a canvas that won’t cooperate, forgetting how I got something to work the last time and self doubt. It’s feeling less skilled every day and yet I know if I were to actually paint something, a copy without trying to add artistic flair then it would be easier, but that doesn’t satisfy me. I am left wondering if all artists struggle this much with their own creative process.

Social media has certainly played a role in this distorted image of what art should be. We’re led to believe that art is effortless for the talented, that it just happens without struggle, and that because of this, it’s undervalued. And sometimes, sure, art flows easily. But those moments are rare. Most of the time, it’s a grind—especially with commissions. Unlike personal projects, I can’t just shove them onto the “shelf of shame” for a few years and forget about them. Commissions have to get done. And while I’ve definitely had moments where I wanted to refund the client and escape the pressure, many of those paintings have become my favourites because they pushed me to places I wouldn’t have otherwise gone on my own.

That’s not to say there isn’t passion or love in the process. But the truth is, it’s not always the romanticised version we’re sold. I love making art, but it’s amazing how much self-doubt creeps in, and the challenge it is, when you bring business into the mix. I’m fortunate that most of my income doesn’t come from art, so the financial pressure isn’t as high, but my self-worth is still tangled up in it. I know artists who live solely from their work, and while I don’t paint for the money, there’s this unspoken hope that maybe one day my art could sustain me and lead me to live a fully creative life, giving my life to it. it is all I have ever known, painting from age four, a short break after illustration degree ended in 2012 and painted most days since 2016/17.

At the end of the day, I create because I have something to say and it helps defrag my many ideas orientated mind. Sometimes it’s as simple as the joy of pushing paint around or creating something visually pleasing. It doesn’t always have to be deep or profound.

As much as I long for ease in my creative process, I’m learning to accept that art isn’t always peace and love—it’s more often a battle. Although it does depend on the stakes you put on it.

Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it. - Salvador Dali


“good enough” is a tough but necessary mantra.

When it comes to commissions, I constantly second-guess myself and whether I am meeting the criteria , their vision. But the beauty of being given a project I wouldn’t have tackled on my own is that it forces me to explore new ideas. That said, I’ve also turned down my fair share of commissions, knowing that I wasn’t the right fit or simply didn’t want to paint what was being asked.

Being an artist, at least for me, isn’t just about making pretty pictures. It’s a journey of self-development, constantly working to overcome the negative self-talk. And as if that weren’t enough, there’s plenty of external criticism out there in internet land that my mind loves to amplify. Art for me is how I communicate and helps me to know myself better and my place within the world.

It’s currently 11 p.m., and I’m writing this because I’ve been too excited by new ideas to sleep these past few nights. I have so many personal projects I want to see come to life—dog selfie portraits large canvas, a new trio of cat painting, cat eyes close up with UV resin accents, and more thumbnail sketches adding to these than I know what to do with. But as much as I want to dive into all of them, I know I have to pace myself. If I don’t balance the busy times with rest, I’ll burn out. My body’s been warning me with cold-like symptoms that come and go whenever I push too hard.

After a week and a half of intense painting sessions, I’ve realised that my studio isn’t functional right now, which doesn’t help the creative flow. Tomorrow’s plan is to declutter, organise, and, if I’m lucky, find some random bits of inspiration buried in the mess.

Before I go, I should mention that I’ll be attending the Meet the Artists’ Event this Sunday 15th Sept at North Street Gallery—so that’s something to look forward to! The event runs on both Saturday and Sunday.

But for now, it’s time to rest, and maybe, just maybe, quiet that ever-present inner critic and go and create something (I’m pretty good at it these days).